


there's a fire in this november sky

by soul_punkd



Category: Pierce the Veil, Sleeping With Sirens
Genre: Anyways, M/M, SO SORRY, enjoy, have fun, i made myself cry while writing this, it's very gay, like honestly it's really graphic, seriously if you're not comfortable w that stuff don't read this, stay safe, tw for self harm and suicidal thoughts, u guys will love it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-13
Updated: 2017-03-31
Packaged: 2018-05-20 04:36:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 5
Words: 7,426
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5991895
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/soul_punkd/pseuds/soul_punkd
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><em>Clean.</em> He laughs a little as he slides the blade smoothly across his wrist and watches himself bleed. He imagines the sharp edge ghosting across his throat, spilling all his secrets into his sanctuary one last time. He thinks of Vic again. </p><p>.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> for added pain listen to november by sws and bulletproof love by ptv while u read this
> 
> EDIT: updated 3/31/17 for better/less lazy ending cause i haven't stopped thinking about it for like two and a half weeks. if u've already read this fic skip to ch 5 and read it again. if u haven't read it at all ignore this.

Clean can wait another few days. He’s addicted to their cries, the way they gnaw and scratch under his skin, they want to be freed, and he can’t help but obey. Like he said, he needs the sharp bite of pain to focus on the real world. He’s addicted, as he is to the way the blood drips, staining the pristine marble of the sink in crimson hues.

All his demons are trapped inside, pleading, screaming, for the freedom of Kellin’s mind, so they can invade his head, invest in darker thoughts, take the form of a voice in his head with malicious intent.

So he sits, curled against his bedroom door, turning the blade over and over in his hands, wishing there was an escape. If the ghosts in his veins are released they settle in his mind, but if he leaves them to haunt his every waking dream he’ll slowly go insane. He can’t win, but they always do. 

He stands, and carefully makes his way to the bathroom sink; his safe place. The place he lets himself go, the place he can share the secrets that aren’t meant for anyone else. He thinks of Vic, and of tears swirling in his warm whiskey eyes, and the clenching guilt from knowing he caused those tears. 

“ _worthless, you’re fucking worthless, he doesn’t need you. no one does. why do you think you always end up alone?_ ” whispers the voice in his head tauntingly.

He screams aloud, piercing the cool silence of his empty house. But the voice is right; he’s alone. Everyone leaves him, and Vic would be no exception. Kellin was like a rock, unmoving as the world spun, _tootootoofast_ around him. Sometimes, leaves got caught on his sharp edges but the wind pushed them forward until they were torn apart. Vic was just another leaf, caught on a spike of stone, hanging on too tight. But Kellin killed what he touched, what he let himself get too close to, and Vic thought he could fix him, but he couldn’t. No one can. 

_Clean._ He laughs a little as he slides the blade smoothly across his wrist and watches himself bleed. He imagines the sharp edge ghosting across his throat, spilling all his secrets into his sanctuary one last time. He thinks of Vic again. 

_He sits on the cramped bunk in the back of the bus. Everything is okay, he’s_ smiling, _Vic is laughing, his head thrown back in pure joy. His wavy hair frames his face at the perfect angle, and his caramel coloured eyes shine like stars in the dim lights. It’s just the two of them, but that’s okay. This is part of something theirs and theirs alone. Kellin is completely in love. When Vic’s sudden euphoria ends, he looks at Kellin, his eyes sparkling with adoration, and a smile playing on the edge of his lips. Kellin takes a chance, a chance that could break something too special for words or be the start of something absolutely beautiful, and catches Vic’s soft mouth with his own. Vic kisses back eagerly, and Kellin suddenly becomes unaware of everything except Vic’s teeth on his bottom lip, and the cautious hands trailing across the hem of his shirt, and the soft gasps of breath as they kiss like the world will end tomorrow._

⸞

_He’s pinned against the bricks behind the venue, letting Vic leave little red marks on his neck and chest, marks he’ll have to wear scarves to cover later. He moans a little as Vic grinds his hips against him, throwing his head back against the wall, and allowing Vic more access. It’s quick; they don’t have much time, but they’ll take what they can get. Then a hand is slipped down his jeans and Vic is fucking Kellin’s mouth with his tongue and Kellin is done in less than a minute but it doesn’t matter because it’s him. And it’s real. He has something good, and he thinks it’ll last a little longer than the rest._

⸞

_He’s curled up in bed, crying into Vic’s shoulder, while the older boy cards long fingers through his hair, whispering soothing words as depression tightens its fervent hold. There are pages of torn notebooks littering the sheets and the floor and the nightstand, a shattering reflection of his deepest, darkest, late night thoughts. “Make them stop, make them stop, please,” he begs._

_Vic furrows his brow, and Kellin’s eyes widen in horror. Of course, good things don’t last, and Vic is just like all the others: he thinks Kellin is crazy. He’ll ask what others, but Kellin doesn’t know because they don’t have names, they’re just ghosts that haunt him day and night, but if he says the voices, Vic will have him admitted. He spent three months enclosed in white walls and too many pills in a world with no good things, because he told Katelynn about the voices that told him he was better off dead._

_Vic puts an arm around Kellin’s shoulder, and cups a hand under his chin to force him to meet the other’s eyes. “What voices, baby? How do I help, how do I make them stop?” he questions, and Kellin has gone through enough to know this is the end of a long line of good things, and once Vic is gone the bad things will come back, and the white walls, and there won’t be anyone to drive away the thoughts or the dreams._

_“I, I hear voices, sometimes. In my head. I don’t know who they are, but they want me dead. That’s the only real way to make them go away. I have to die, you have to let me die, let me die, please, I just want it to stop,” he pleads mindlessly, “please, don’t be angry, you’re the only thing that’s keeping me alive._ ”

_Vic brings him closer, meeting his eyes. “I will never leave you, understand? And you are not going to die, not while I’m here. I love you so much,” he says, and Kellin cries a little harder because to him those words are few and far between, but he nods wordlessly because he thinks maybe, just this once, he could let someone in. He could let someone help him._

_“I love you too_.”

⸞

Vic is his anchor, Vic is the something he has left. As he pours ointment on his arm and wraps the bandage around it, he chokes out a sob. Tears don’t matter to him, they’re just a reminder of pain, which doesn’t last forever, therefore it is meant to be forgotten. A friend once told him that nothing in life is free, so he supposes his pain is the price of Vic’s love. One by one, the memories fade and he’s back on his bathroom floor, but the voices are gone. Vic makes the voices stop. He knows they’ll come back, because he’s still alive, but for now they’re quiet and now he can sleep.

⸞

The tour goes on, and being onstage calms his thoughts a little, but by the end he’s completely undone. 

“ _he hates you, he hates you, he doesn’t love you, but you know, i don’t blame him, who could love something like you? you’re a monster, a horrible thing that doesn’t deserve to be alive. so why don’t you go ahead and do the world a favor,_ ” the voice hisses, and rivulets of blood run down his arm as he clenches the blade tightly in his fist. 

He’s sitting in the small bus bathroom, blood dripping from both arms and the insides of his thighs. He wants to destroy himself, tear himself apart and watch all the bad things fade into the distance. He doesn’t want to be happy, no, he gave up on that long ago. He wants them to be _quiet_. 

He takes out a pencil and a small notepad with shaking hands. “ _i love you. i’m sorry,_ ” it reads. He raises the blade to his throat, closing his eyes. He thinks of Vic one last time.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> For the first time in his life, Kellin has found someone who makes the world spin just a little slower, the beacon of light guiding him out of the storm. Kellin has found someone who will stay.

The door opens, and Vic stops on the threshold. His eyes widen in shock, and fear, and tears slip down his tan cheeks as a hand goes to cover his mouth. He takes in the blood, the cuts, the note, and the blade pressed against Kellin’s neck and manages a small, “Why?” before crossing the room to hold the younger man. He takes the razor, setting it carefully down on the sink, and cleans the cuts gently. Kellin stares numbly at the bathroom floor, the voices are silent for once; his demons flee in the presence of an angel. 

For the first time in his life, Kellin has found someone who makes the world spin just a little slower, the beacon of light guiding him out of the storm. Kellin has found someone who will stay. 

Vic’s soft voice startles him out of his thoughts. “Why would you do this to yourself? Why didn’t you tell me you were hurting? Please, let me help you. You would have died, if I hadn’t, what if I hadn’t, _oh god,_ ” he says, barely above a whisper. 

Kellin wants to scream, _why does he think it would be his fault_ , but he can’t make a sound. The words are caught in his throat, along with the apologies and pleas and sobs and screams. They were right, he’s a monster, how could he do something like this to the only person he really loves, how could he be so selfish? Vic doesn’t understand; this is why he has to die, so he doesn’t have to live with himself for hurting his angel anymore. 

Vic guides him back to his bunk, and Kellin immediately goes to bury himself in the thin sheets, but Vic grabbed his arm. “Hey. Hey, look at me. I need you to do something for me, okay? Promise me that if you ever, _ever_ , feel like hurting yourself again, you’ll come to me for help? I don’t wanna lose you,” he says earnestly. 

He nods slowly. Vic grabs his shaking hands. “Say it. Out loud. Promise me you’ll tell me if these, these voices come back,” he says. 

Kellin sniffs, wiping the tears from his pale cheeks. “You, you believe me? About the voices? You don’t think I’m crazy? I just, no one ever has, and I don’t want to go back, _please don’t send me back._ Too much white, everything was white, and sharp, and sometimes they gave me pills, but, but I’m _not crazy_. I’m not. I don’t belong there, please don’t make me go back, _please,_ ” he pleads. 

“Kells,” Vic says. 

“No, no, no, nononono _nonononono_ I’m not crazy, I’m okay, see? I’m perfectly fine, you don’t need to send me away, please, how will I keep them out? How will I keep them out if I’m stuck in that room again, the one with the soft walls and everything white, _why was everything white_ , by myself, with nobody but me and the voices? Was it days, weeks, months, I don’t know, I lost track, but the windowsill looked really nice when I got back. Please, I want to get better, but I don’t want to go away again, _I love you, don’t do this to me, I don’t-_ ”

“Stop it, Kells, I’m not going to send you away. I almost lost you, I’m not letting you go anytime soon. I love you too, okay?” Vic soothes. 

Vic takes his arm and brings it up to his mouth, kissing him gently. The soft touch sends electric sparks through his nerves as Vic presses his lips to the rough scars that litter his pale skin, whispered words eliciting more of Kellin’s tears from his glassy eyes. “ _I still think you’re beautiful,_ ” repeated as Vic makes his way down to the marks that line his hips and thighs. 

Vic embraces him, wrapping an arm around his waist and the other around his shoulders. “What have I done to deserve you?” Kellin chokes out in another broken sob. 

“You’re not broken, Kells. And I would still love you even if you were. I love how patient you are, especially with fans, you never get frustrated or anything. I love your eyes, they’re so deep and so blue they could hold the entire ocean. I love your laugh. It reminds me of the wind chimes my mom had when I was a little kid,” he said, idly tracing the tattoo on Kellin’s shoulder with the tips of his fingers. “I love the way your skin turns pink when you blush, and the way my name sounds coming from your lips when I fuck you, and you’re just-. You’re beautiful, okay? I don’t know why don’t believe me,” he says. 

Kellin turns a dark shade of red and shakes his head at the flattery, and Vic presses a kiss to his forehead. “Look at me, Kells. Swear you won’t keep this to yourself, swear you’ll let me in so I can help you. I love you so much, if I lost you- no. I’m not even going to think about it. I won’t let that happen,” Vic says urgently. 

One of Vic’s hands finds its way into Kellin’s hair, and the other is placed gently on the small of his back, and Vic holds him tightly as his body wracks with sobs. “Shh, you’re okay, I’ve got you, shhh, baby, everything’s okay. You’re gonna be fine. I’m right here, Kells, and you’re gonna be okay,” Vic murmurs. 

“Help me, please, I can’t live like this, please, _I don’t want to die,_ ” Kellin whispers into Vic’s shoulder, rubbing his tear-stained eyes on the neck of Vic’s t-shirt. 

“You’re not gonna die. Everything’s gonna be fine, please, you have to trust me. Do you trust me, Kells?” Vic asks. 

Kellin nods mutely, currently incapable of speech. Never in his life had anyone offered to fix him, believed him when he said he wasn’t crazy, made sure he was okay. _Loved_ him. “Thank you,” he whispers in a shaky voice 

Vic just shakes his head and presses a chaste kiss to Kellin’s lips. “Shh, sleep now. We’ll talk more in the morning,” he whispers, a stray hand finding its way into Kellin’s hair and running thin fingers through it in an attempt to calm the younger man. 

Vic kisses him again, and lies down next to him, gently pulling their chests together until there is no space left between. Vic’s body is warm against his, and he melts into the heat after being so cold for so long. He feels safe; he feels as if the voices were gone, gone for good, gone from his head and his dreams and he feels _whole_. Before Vic, he was a shell. Cold, helpless, and unloved. But Vic picked up his broken parts, and glued them back together, and when he’s with Vic, he feels like he’s been returned all the bits and pieces that he lost. He feels _alive_. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aaaaaaah sorry it took so long also tell me in the comments what i should do for the next chapter or if i should just end it here cause i have an idea but it's super shaky so pls help


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He picks up the razor and slices five, ten, twenty thin lines across old scars that mar the pale skin. Little beads of blood ooze from the angry cuts and Kellin watches them drip, drip, drip onto the immaculate surface, trying to shut out the screams in his head.

Kellin makes it two weeks, but he almost doesn’t. 

There’s rarely a night Kellin doesn’t close his eyes and dream of the ghosts that inhabit his mind. The parasites that plague his thoughts day and night awaken him, screaming and clutching the thin sheets in terror. 

But Vic is still there, somehow, he’s still there when Kellin wakes up sobbing, and he leaves work in a heartbeat when Kellin calls and tells him the rusting blades buried in the back of his sock drawer are screaming to let them kiss the insides of his wrists again. He sits on the floor with his arms around Kellin’s shoulders as the younger boy cries softly into his t-shirt. “Why don’t you leave me?” Kellin whispers, his voice shaking as he digs his fingernails into his palms, “I’m worthless, nothing but a burden, why would you stay?”

“Because I love you,” Vic says simply, pressing a soft kiss to Kellin’s forehead. 

Kellin shakes his head fervently. “Love isn’t real. K-Katelynne said that, that, that she loved me. But then, then she put me in _there,_ and, and, and they gave me these pills that made me sick, and I _can’t_ go back there. She said it was for me, because she loved me, but if that was love then it can’t be real. Please, don’t do this to me, you’re all I have.” he says, trailing off into a whisper. 

Vic finally understands. Katelynne had him institutionalised. How could she put him in there and just leave him? How could she do that to Kellin, _his_ Kellin, the beautiful, kind boy who’d stolen his heart and made him fall in love with a smile that outshone the sun and a voice that dripped silkily off his tongue like honey. The boy he’d never heard say an unkind word to anyone, who had so much love in heart Vic was sometimes afraid it would overflow. But he was so fragile, so trusting, and Katelynne had ruined him. Kellin had let her in she had betrayed him and broken him and left Vic to pick up the pieces. A place like that could destroy anyone, especially someone as pure and vulnerable as Kellin. Vic found himself crying. “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, I love you, Kells. I know you don’t believe in love, but I do, and I will do anything, I will be anything if you need it. Please, _I won’t be like her_ ,” he pleads earnestly, kissing the tears off Kellin’s face as they fall. 

“Okay,” Kellin whispers, “I’m sorry.”

“Shh, it’s not your fault. None of this is your fault,” Vic says, taking Kellin’s hands in his and stroking his smooth skin with calloused thumbs. 

~*~

Kellin sits on the cool tile of the bathroom floor, staring at his warped reflection in the little blade resting in his palm. Tears slip down his cheeks as he thinks of Vic and the promise he made. _how could you even think about telling him that? you could never give this up. that’s how fucking pathetic you are. you need us,_ the voice hisses and Kellin pulls his knees into his chest and sobs. 

He picks up the razor and slices five, ten, twenty thin lines across old scars that mar the pale skin. Little beads of blood ooze from the angry cuts and Kellin watches them drip, drip, drip onto the immaculate surface, trying to shut out the screams in his head. 

He can’t bring himself to meet Vic’s eyes when the older boy pushes open the door. He watches the tears fall and mix with the drops of blood and doesn’t even look up when Vic kneels down next to him. “I’m sorry,” he whispers, “I tried but- I couldn’t- I can’t- I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay, babe, come here,” Vic says, and Kellin buries his head in Vic’s shoulder and lets himself be held. 

The warmth of Vic’s embrace suddenly ends and Kellin is met with Vic’s concerned eyes quickly travelling down to the blade in his hands and the blood still trickling ever so slowly from his wrists. “Let me see,” Vic says softly, and turns Kellin’s arm over, exposing the inside. 

He takes the blade from Kellin’s numb hands and examines the small marks that litter his skin. “No, no, no, Kells,” he whispers, the soft frown turning upwards into a sneer, “This is wrong, all wrong. You’ve done it all wrong, see, it’s like this,” he says cruelly, and before Kellin can register anything he takes the blades and drags it vertically down the inside of Kellin’s wrists. 

Kellin watches in horror as blood spills onto the once-white tiles. “V-vic,” he chokes out, and the older boy pauses in the doorway to sneer, “Finally,” as he leaves. 

Kellin closes his eyes and cries, unable to stop the tears from falling. _this is what you wanted, isn’t it? you’re going to die now. alone, all alone._

Kellin covers his ears to block out the voice, but it only gets louder. 

_it’s no surprise, really? i mean, why would you think i could ever love something like you? you’re disgusting; a waste of space._

Kellin curls into a ball and shakes his head, whispering ‘stop’ over and over again as Vic’s once soothing voice echoes around his head. 

The voice grows louder and louder, screaming a never ending chant of _die, die, die, die_ as Kellin’s vision goes dark and he whimpers in fear as he falls unconscious. 

~*~ 

Kellin doesn’t know screaming he’s until his eyes fall on Vic’s panicked expression after shaking him awake. “No!” he shouts, half crawling to the back of the bunk in an effort to get away from Vic. “No, stay away from me, please, don’t hurt me again, please.”

Vic looks confused, and Kellin shrinks away when he reaches a hand out to Kellin’s shoulder. “Okay, okay, Kells, calm down. What’s wrong?”

“I- I was, um, I was,” Kellin cries, still too terrified to form a full sentence, but Vic nods in understanding. 

“A-a-and then you, you,” he whispers, barely loud enough for Vic to hear, looking down at the insides of his wrists at the raised pinkish scars and the older, fading ones, and hardly notices as Vic wraps his strong arms around Kellin’s shoulders and cards his fingers absentmindedly through Kellin’s hair. 

“Oh, Kells, I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry, baby, but it was just a dream, okay? It wasn’t real, you’re gonna be fine,” Vic says soothingly, and despite everything, Kellin finds himself believing him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh god its been like three and a half months im so sorry but this chapter's longer than the other ones so i hope that makes up for it??? i will try to avoid doing this again i swear. also only two more chapters left. enjoy!!


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kellin runs his hands through his hair. It's greasy - he hasn't showered since Tuesday. He steps into the bathroom again and runs the water for a shower. As he's stepping out of his jeans he notices an old spot of dried blood on the floor and pushes the floor-mat over it. It could have been from anything, but he doesn't want to see it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> EDIT: hmu my tumblr is gravity-ep.tumblr.com ily :)

_The next few days are good, better than any day in the last week and a half._

The crowd cheers again as they run offstage, but Kellin barely hears them. He's dizzy on his feet, still a little unsteady in the afterthought of one too many painkillers to block out the pounding in his head. He presses a cool towel to his forehead but it's without relief because the voices in the back of his mind just won't stop screaming. Kellin wants to cry. _why can't you leave me alone?_ he pleads as he slides down onto the bathroom floor. They just laugh.

He reaches into the cabinet and pulls out a blade. Everything is spiraling out of control, and he desperately needs this one fix, just to remind him it's all still real. A tear rolls down his cheek and lands on the blade in his hands. He'd promised Vic he'd try to stay clean... but was it worth it? it feels like someone is banging a door shut over and over again behind his eyelids every time he closes his eyes, and fe finds himself constantly scratching old scars on his wrists and thighs as his veins itch to be exposed.

Kellin closes his eyes, takes a deep breath, and, before he can stop himself, throws the blade into the toilet and flushes it as quickly as he can. _that was a mistake,_ they whisper, _you need us._

 _no I don’t,_ he thinks defiantly, _I have Vic and he's gonna help me get of you and I don't need this anymore._

~*~

"And then Awsten hit Jack with a water balloon, and he was so surprised that he fell off the stage," Kellin laughs.

"It sounds like you're having a great time without me," Vic says, frowning dramatically.

Kellin laughs again at his ridiculous expression before quietly saying, "I really miss you."

"I miss you too, babe, but just try to enjoy yourself, okay? Don't worry too much. By the way," he asks, lowering his voice a little, "how are you doing with, y'know, the stuff we talked about last week?"

"I- I'm trying," he whispers.

"Did something happen? Please talk to me, you know I won't get mad."

Vic listens patiently as he details the morning's events. Once he's finished, Vic says, "You can do this, Kells. I'm really proud of you. I know this is hard and as long as you just keep trying your best we can get through this, okay? I love you."

"I love you too. I'll see you in a couple of days. Bye," he replies, ending the call and switching off his phone.

He catches his reflection in the blank screen long enough to notice his bloodshot eyes, sunken cheeks, and dark circles. He looks like he hasn't slept in days, which isn't necessarily false. He hasn't gotten more than an hour or two a night in the past week between constantly waking up from awful nightmares and staying up until dawn fervently scribbling down lyrics and any others thoughts that happen to enter his mind.

Kellin runs his hands through his hair. It's greasy - he hasn't showered since Tuesday. He steps into the bathroom again and runs the water for a shower. As he's stepping out of his jeans he notices an old spot of dried blood on the floor and pushes the floor-mat over it. It could have been from anything, but he doesn't want to see it.

The temperature in the shower is cold or colder, but washing off the layers of dirt and grime that cling to his skin feels good regardless. After he dries off and changes his clothes, Kellin feels like an entirely different person. His motivation to live and learn and grow and achieve is returning for the first time in a long time, and it feels like things are finally falling into place, like he finally has everything under control. Everything is looking up, and Kellin is ready to go wherever it takes him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> fml i'm so sorry don't worry i hate this chapter too i just wanted to get it over with so i can write the last one ;)  
> also this story turns one year old (wow i hate myself) on monday which also happens to be my sister's bday congrats to me for procrastinating so much seven months to write 400 words the last chapter will be super long i swear  
> 


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> hey gamers ;) leave a comment pls i'd appreciate it

“Vic! Hey, earth to Vic! Are you even listening to me, dude? I wouldn’t want to to disturb your daydream or anything, but this is kind of important!” Mike yells, snapping his fingers in Vic’s face. 

“Yeah man, I’m listening,” he says, waving Mike off. He’s lying, of course. Kellin had been home since yesterday, but thanks to Mike and the pressure from their label to release their new video sooner rather than later, he hasn’t left the warehouse they’re filming in for two fucking days. 

The film director is in an intense argument with the props manager and the head light tech about the placement of the sofa and gel colors for the hallway scene when Vic’s phone rings, earning him a glare from Mike. He’s never been happier to hear the annoying-ass automatic iPhone ringtone in his life. 

“You better not take that,” Mike warns, but Vic’s already pressed answer and walked halfway out of the room. Mike throws his hands up in the air in exasperation, but eventually loses interest and joins the argument between the producers. 

“Hey, Kellin, what’s up? I should be home in a couple hours; the schedule’s just really tight right now. Is something wrong?”

“I fucked up,” Kellin replies, his voice breaking as he cries softly. 

Vic breathes in sharply and feels the blood drain out of his face. Mike must have noticed his distress because the anger that previously clouded his expression is replaced by concern. _“What’s up?”_ he mouths from across the room, to which Vic furiously motions for him to just shut up and for once, he does. 

“Okay, well, I’m about 25 minutes away, so I’ll be there as soon as I can, okay? Do you want me to stay on the phone with you? No? Okay. I’ll see you in a little bit,” Vic says gently, turning back to Mike and the others. “Guys, I’m sorry, I really have to-”

“Just go, man. Filming doesn’t start until tomorrow anyways,” Mike replies reluctantly. 

Vic is out the door and backing out of the parking lot before Mike even finishes his sentence. He had honestly believed Kellin was getting better; only three days ago he’d called to say he flushed his blades down the toilet because he felt like he didn’t need them anymore. 

He makes the trip home in just under 18 minutes, and immediatley sprints up the driveway, through the door, up the stairs to the bedroom. The door is wide open, but when Vic sees Kellin he stops dead in his tracks. The sheets are stained with blood that’s still slowly trickling from long, ragged, cuts that run vertically down the insides of his wrists. Kellin’s stringy black hair clings to his face, which is sullen and downcast. 

Vic stumbles out the door, whispering “I’m gonna call an ambulance,” in shocked horror. 

“911 operator, what is your emergency?”

In a trembling voice, Vic whispers, “I think my friend is going to try to kill himself.”

“What is your address, sir?”

He gives them the address, and his full name, and Kellin’s. “Please remain calm. Our responders will arrive at your location shortly.”

Vic breathes out a sigh of relief, but he’s still so fucking scared. He steps back into the bedroom, wringing his hands together nervously. Kellin hasn’t moved since Vic left; he’s watching the blood drip onto the plain sheets, the stark red disrupting the immaculate sameness of the white fabric. He looks up, meeting the sadness in Vic’s eyes with the hopelessness in his own. The tension in the room is almost palpable. 

Eventually, Vic snaps it. “Hey, Kells. Come here, baby, let me just-”

Kellin cuts him off, snatching his hand out of Vic’s reach. “Why? I’m fighting a war I can’t win. Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t just give up,” Kellin says flatly, and Vic almost cries as he realises how little Kellin cares about himself. 

“There’s so many people who love you, baby, so many people whose lives you’ve changed. Please just let me help you,” he pleads, a desperate look of concern in his eyes. 

“I did. I did let you help me. But they never stop, not for more than a few days. I just want it to stop…” he says, trailing off into a defeated whisper. “I just don’t think I’m meant to be alive.”

Vic opens his mouth to respond, but Kellin cuts him off. “And don’t say that I am, because if that was true, why does it seem like my own fucking brain is trying so hard to kill me?”  
Kellin reaches into a drawer by the side of the bed and slowly pulls out a gun. _Fuck,_ Vic thinks as the reality of the entire situation crashes down on him. _He’s actually prepared to go through with it this time, and there might not be anything I can do to stop him._

“I- I can’t live like this anymore, Vic. I just can’t. If you really want to help then please don’t try and stop me,” Kellin says, his voice stolid and completely devoid of fear or regret. 

He clicks the safety off on the gun.

The sound echoes around the otherwise silent room. “I love you so much, Kells, so much that I can’t even put it into words. Please don’t do this. You’re my best fucking friend. I know things are bad right now, but I promise you that in five, ten, twenty years you’ll look back and you won’t even be able to remember feeling like this, okay? And I’ll be there the whole time. I’d never leave you, I swear to god. Listen to me Kells, there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for you. Nothing. All you have to do is give me the gun,” Vic says earnestly, taking a step forward. “I know you don’t want to do this. You think you do, but you don’t. This is not the answer. Please, just-” he takes another step forward, “just give me the gun, okay?”

Kellin’s crying now, translucent tears rolling freely from his once-bright blue eyes. “I have never loved anyone more than I loved you,” he whispers, and before Vic can get a word in Kellin has the gun in his mouth and a finger on the trigger and the agitated look that clouded his solemn features is replaced with one of tranquility and peace and-

bang.

Vic reels from the noise, but almost immediately lets out a strangled sob when he catches sight of Kellin’s motionless body lying on the bloodstained carpet. The boy he’d loved with all of his heart, whose voice could halt armies and eyes that held the oceans, whose words had inspired thousands and saved countless lives, who had made him feel things for another person he’d never thought possible, was dead. Vic falls to his knees beside him and pulls his head into his lap, grasping his hand desperately and just crying. The blood soaked into his jeans and bled onto his own hands as he just sits, stroking Kellin’s hair and sobbing violently into the other boy’s chest. He traces Kellin’s delicate jawline and kisses him once, softly; his lips are still warm and he’s smiling, barely. _I hope you’re happy,_ he thinks wistfully, _Wherever you are, I hope you’re happier there than you were here._

He doesn’t know how long he sits there, it could have been five minutes or two hours. After a while he stops crying and just holds him, thinking of everything that might have been. Eventually an ambulance arrives, but it’s too late, far too late, and Vic cries again when the paramedics try to take Kellin’s lifeless body out of his arms and onto the stretcher, so he wraps his arms around himself, lonely, in the back of an ambulance staring at a plain black bag that contains the only thing in his life he thought would never leave him. 

~*~

Vic adjusts his tie in the mirror, straightening the collar on his stiff black tux. It’s too tight, he doesn’t like formal wear; he likes hoodies and sweatshirts and converse not dress shoes and button up shirts with bowties. (Kellin did though, and Vic liked him in it too). He doesn’t like funerals either; he was always bad at goodbyes. But he’d do anything for Kellin, which is why he’s staring at his own sullen expression in a full tuxedo in the middle of August, trying (but failing) not to look at the red stain on the sheets that he forgot to wash out. 

Mike approaches him cautiously, placing a reassuring hand on his shoulder. Vic barely acknowledges him. If Mike takes any offense, he doesn’t say anything. He pulls Vic into a tight embrace, and Vic doesn’t cry or smile or speak, he doesn’t do anything but gently rest his chin on Mike’s broad shoulder and close his eyes. “I’m so sorry, Vic. I know you loved him,” Mike says quietly, sadly, before leaving just as silently as he came in. 

Vic sits down on the edge of the bed, careful to avoid the spot. The stain, the reminder. He draws a small velvet box out of his jacket pocket and opens it carefully, staring at the gleaming stone as if it held every answer to the questions he wanted to ask. A single tear sits threateningly on the brim of his eyelid, but he shuts the box and blinks it away before it can fall. The service is at 9:00, but it’s 8:20 now, so Vic walks outside to find Mike’s car sitting in the parking lot, waiting. He gets in the passenger seat, and they don’t speak for the rest of the ride, but Vic doesn’t mind. He hasn’t spoken in three days, but today he has to give a speech. He hates giving speeches, but he’d still do anything for Kellin. 

The funeral itself reminds Vic less of an actual service and more of a house party; there’s people everywhere, and they’re drinking, laughing, making memories. Most of them he’s never even seen before, and they act like it doesn’t even matter that somebody died. Someone “offers their sincere condolences” in the form of a large salad platter, _because nothing says ‘i’m sorry’ like a pile of fucking lettuce,_ Vic thinks bitterly. He somehow finds Kellin’s mom, who wipes her eyes with a handkerchief before hugging him for a long, long time. Vic blinks away more tears as she fades into the throng of people milling around in the dining room.

He stands by the casket, staring down at Kellin’s calm expression, and his soft hands folded unnaturally on top of one another. He takes one in his own and slips the small ring onto Kellin’s slender hand, pretending he can still feel a pulse under the cold skin. He’s almost too distracted to notice someone stand directly beside him, staring at the sparkling diamond on an otherwise bleak picture. He turns to face her, taking in her dark eyes and wavy hair and despondent expression; a stark change from the indifference he’s seen on the faces of so many others. His throat is dry from days of silence, but he manages to ask, “What’s your name?”

“Katelynne,” she answers, simply, softly. “I assume you’re Vic?”  
Vic nods mutely; he’s found himself in a situation he’d never thought imaginable. “I know you know who I am,” she starts, her sweet voice thick with remorse, “I feel like this is entirely my fault, and I thought you should know that I am so, so unbelievably sorry for the way I acted towards the end of our relationship. I knew that a hospital wouldn’t be good for him, I _knew_ it, but I wanted so badly to save him. I’ve never been good at long distance, and when we couldn’t keep up good communication while he was in the hospital, I left, and I’ve never regretted anything more in my life.”

“But you loved him,” he finishes.

“Yes. With everything I had,” she says without hesitation. 

Vic takes a deep breath before saying, “I don’t blame you for anything. I didn’t understand until it was too late, but I would have done exactly the same if it meant we wouldn’t be standing here right now, even if he hated me, it doesn’t matter. You did what you had to to help him, you made the hard choice, the one I was too scared to make. I don’t think any of this is your fault, and to be perfectly honest I don’t think it’s my fault either, but for what it’s worth, I forgive you.”

~*~

“He had the desperation, not the courage, to be himself. Once you do that, you can’t go wrong, because you can’t make any mistakes when people love you for being yourself. But for him, it didn’t matter that other people loved him; he simply didn’t love himself enough.”

The chatter stills as his solemn words echo around the room. Vic looks around, trying to avoid making eye contact with any of the seemingly apathetic faces, the college friends and old coworkers and distant cousins. They have no idea what he’s feeling; no idea what it’s like to feel so empty, so lost. He continues, focusing less on their quiet whispers and more on the memory of the boy he loved so much to form the words he wants to say. “My name is Vic Fuentes, and I’d known Kellin Quinn for four and a half years. We met in June of 2012, through a friend of a friend of a friend, and we sat in the back of his tour bus and talked for hours about anything we could think of. I can’t think of more than a few people that I could talk like that with, and I knew, even then, that I loved him more than anyone else I’d ever met. A year later, we were best friends, and two weeks after that, he kissed me at two am in a bus with a broken AC in the sweltering heat of a California summer.”

He falters, scanning the crowd for scowls and murmurs of disgust, but all he sees are watchful, focused eyes. Vic was never the showy one. He disliked coming out; he’d rather wait for people to find out on their own rather than tell them outright. But then again, he’s done a lot of things he disliked today. 

He continues, talking about their first date and their first ‘i love you’ and their first song together and their first time meeting each other’s parents. He’d thought this would be more difficult, but he finds that the words come to him as he talks because he wants everyone in the room to catch a glimpse of what he’s feeling, what he felt. “Two weeks ago, I walked into the bus bathroom and found the love of my life sitting on our bedroom floor, covered in blood with a razor blade pressed against his throat. I held him and told him that I loved him, that I would do anything for him, I would save him. He told me he didn’t want to go back to the hospital, so I didn’t take him,” Vic recalls, voice thick with regret as tears swell up in his eyes. He blinks again, staring down at the podium as if it contains something extremely interesting, but he can’t hold them back this time, and as they fall he watches them slide slowly down the slanted wooden surface and onto the floor. “I don’t think I’ve ever regretted anything more in my life.”

He looks to his left and sees Katelynne watching him; she’s crying too, but a look that’s almost a smile (but not quite) crosses her face. _“Fuck,”_ he mutters under his breath; all eyes are on him but it’s too late because he’s already crying, the days of repression catching up with him at the worst moment possible. “Three days ago, he called me crying while I was at work. When I got home, he was curled up on our bed, bleeding to death. I called an ambulance. I should have done it weeks ago, months ago, but I waited too long, and now it’s too late. It didn’t come in time; he took out a gun and shot himself not four feet away from me. I just couldn’t help him enough. I didn’t save him, I let him down,” Vic manages despite the fact that he’s sobbing in front of 50 people. His eyes grow distant, like he’s trying to make out a remote object that he just can’t quite see. A single tear drips down his cheek as he whispers, “Kellin Quinn, I have never loved anyone more than I loved you.”

He stumbles off the stand, body trembling as he sobs. Katelynne places a reassuring hand on his arm, but he brushes her off as he heads outside on shaking legs. She doesn’t follow him. He’s going for Mike’s car, but he only makes it as far as the doors and collapses on the steps, head in his hands. He looks upwards, the blue of the cloudless summer sky reminding him of Kellin’s eyes.

 _Fuck_ , Vic thinks, _this is so fucking unfair. I loved him so much, oh god, I miss him_ , fuck _I miss him so much. And I’ll never stop missing him, and I’ll never stop loving him, because he’s gone. He’s gone, and it’s all my fault, and a day won’t go by where I don’t think about him and regret it._

He looks out into the street, where hundreds of people pass by every day. Hundreds of people, with their own families and pasts and futures and goals and regrets and lives. But Kellin was his whole world, and now that he’s gone, now that Vic’s entire life has been taken from him, he doesn’t know what to do next. If he gave up and stepped out into that street, where would he go? Heaven? Hell? Somewhere in between? Would he see Kellin again? He doesn’t know. But he does know that wherever Kellin is, it’s a better place than this world he was forced to live in, despite all the forces working against him, even though he could only hold on for so long. And he knows that Kellin will wait for him there, because for now he has people to meet, and places to go, and things to see. He has a new life to live, and he’s going to live it out until he’s done everything he wants to do, and only then will he be able to spend the rest of forever with Kellin. But it’s not time yet, so he collects himself and walks back up the steps into the church to rejoin the present instead of dwelling on the past.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> kellin quinn if you're reading this i love you


End file.
